Opinion: Thanks for the funneries – part 2
Commentary by Dick Wolfsie
And now, part two of my look back at 2015 and to all the experiences and people that made writing this column possible, like…
My DVR, that has allowed Mary Ellen and me to watch more shows than we can keep track of, leading to this conversation:
“Dick, did you record ‘Masterpiece Theatre’ for me?”
“Sorry, I recorded ‘Masters of Sex’ by mistake. I just watched it and this guy was cooking this great meal, I guess to get his wife in the mood.
“That wasn’t ‘Masters of Sex.’ That was my recording of ‘Master Chef.’”
Thanks to the man who invented a way to reshape a nose without expensive surgery. With the proper pushing, pulling, and squeezing, he teaches people to shorten, straighten or narrow their probiscus. I thought the guy in the car next to me was picking his nose. Now I realize he was just trying to make his nostrils bigger.
To all the people who suffer from a disorder called misophonia, which is a violent reaction to specific sounds, like a vacuum cleaner or whistling or someone crunching an apple. On the support group website, one woman said that the sound of heavy breathing was unbearable and makes her run from the room. It was signed Chastity.
To my CPA, Clare, who saw her name in one of my columns where I bragged I did my taxes the first week in January. When I went to her office in early April to finally do my return, she confronted me with journalistic deceit. Then she called me Brian Williams for the next hour.
To Home Depot, where we shopped for a high-tech toilet for our new bathroom. I didn’t want one that was connected to Bluetooth, or one with a remote control to adjust the height. I didn’t want my bottom warmed or scented. I simply wanted my toilet to sit there. Just like I do.
Last season’s Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue contained my favorite gift: the Instant Pickleball Set, featuring a game that combines the skills required for badminton, table tennis and regular tennis. It’s spur-of-the-moment enjoyment that combines three sports you are bad at. By the way, the national pickleball champion has been accused of deflating the balls in the competition. In pickleball, this is just not kosher.
Oh, and I also liked the Fish-Catching RC Boat, the perfect gift for the absolute laziest person in your life. It’s a pint-sized boat that trolls the lake, sets the hook when the fish strikes and then brings the fish back to shore. It’s $69.95, but for an extra six bucks you can get a sign to put on your front door: Home fishing.
Allow me to end with a shout-out to the folks at the BMV who overlooked an error I made on my renewal form and graciously reissued my BARNEY8 license plate that been on my car for 25 years. Now, thanks to them, even though my beagle has been gone for 11 years, every morning when I leave for work, he still comes along for the ride.