Opinion: Clip notes

There are yellow sticky notes all over my office, reminding me of quirky and bizarre things I have read in the newspaper or online, as well as personal experiences that deserve at least a brief mention in my upcoming columns.

The first note I re-read this week was a reminder about an Asian manufacturer who is marketing a $5,000 toilet. The product uses a remote control that will “raise and lower your seat, emit a deodorizer, and massage your butt while you are sitting.” I’m not sure just what that new Supreme Court decision actually allows, but I’m thinking this is one half of a perfect marriage.

I found a card I received from Humana, my supplemental health care provider. It’s a thank you to me for taking my meds. “You’re doing a good job of filling your prescription. Keep up the good work by refilling your RX before it runs out.” Then this invaluable advice: “You can tell you’re running out by looking at the label on the bottle.” First, thanks for treating me like a 6-year-old, and second, I can’t read the tiny print on that label. I look at how many pills are left in the bottle. Please don’t confuse me.

I made a note about how my dentist now helps patients relax prior to a dental procedure. Until recently, he had simply shown some of his favorite TV shows: “White Is the New Yellow,” “How I Met Your Molar” and “Two Broke Teeth.” Oh, and my favorite: “The Big Fang Theory.” But the other day when they filled my cavity, the dental assistant clamped some electrodes on the backs of my ears, fitted me with dark glasses and told me to relax. Then she handed me two giant pills. “Do I take them now, or every quarter mile?” I asked. (I’m funny when I’m slightly sedated.) “How do I know if the pills are working?” I asked Kelly.

“Your mind will begin to wander,” she said.

“Okay, but how will I know if the pills are working?”

And finally, there’s that brochure my wife received in the mail. Above an attractive woman’s photo, it says: “The remarkable story of a Norwegian cleaning lady who discovered an anti-aging breakthrough in a fish tank.” Well, I was hooked. What was this woman doing in a fish tank? Usually I wait for the movie to come out, but this looked like a page-turner.

Hilda was working for a biochemist who was trying to boost the immune system of fish. She had her arms in this treated water all day and noticed that her hands began to look less and less wrinkled, as opposed to the fish that remained scaly.

Unbeknownst to her boss, she started siphoning the contents out of the tank and splashing it on her face. This grossed me out more than when I was a kid and found out my mother put toilet water behind her ears. This product is now available to all women who want to look younger, like Hilda.

Hilda’s life has turned around. After 20 years, she’s trying online dating sites. “I think I’d be a really good catch,” says Hilda.

Yes, she really said that.


Dick Wolfsie is an author, columnist, and speaker. Contact him at Wolfsie@aol.com.

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